my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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