I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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