dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
