Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize