Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
