You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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