I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
