No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
im six kinds of drunk right now
he was CRYING into my vagina
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
