No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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