I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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