does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
