Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize