i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
