The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
