I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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