I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
