he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
