the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
