White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
