He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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