3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
this just has baby written all over it
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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