i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
