Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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