you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
and i looked up. we had an audience...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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