We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
