There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
