Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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