So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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