Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
