I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
