I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
