That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
