Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
