Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
