How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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