does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I AM VODKA MAN
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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