If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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