i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
