i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
