Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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