there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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