Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
