everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
