Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
