I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I haven't been this sober since birth.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
