i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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