Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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