By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
