if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
