highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize