I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
