you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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