There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
And then my night got REAL pukey
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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