I wish I could punch you in the face.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
