Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
