One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
