Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
