Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
