i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
