Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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