You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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