last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
