i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I understand Curling. That high.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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