I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
