I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
